New Releases by Karen Alpert

From the mom behind Baby Sideburns and the NYT bestseller I Heart my Little A-Holes, a hilarious and matter-of-fact parenting guide to raising happy, kind, and resilient kids.

Now that I 'm a mom, I know the most painful part isn't getting something giant through your hooha. It's having a real live child. If you are the kind of mom who shapes your kiddo's organic quinoa into reproductions of the Mona Lisa, do not read this book. If you stayed up past midnight to create posters for your PTO presidential campaign, do not read this book. If you look down your nose at parents who have Domino's pizza on speed dial, do not read this book. But if you are the kind of parent who accidentally goes ballistic on your rugrats every morning because they won't put their shoes on and then you feel super guilty about it all day so you take them to McDonald's for a special treat but really it's because you opened up your freezer and panicked because you forgot to buy more frozen pizzas, then absolutely read this book. I Want My Epidural Back is a celebration of mediocre parents and how awesome they are and how their kids love them just as much as children with perfect parents. Karen Alpert's honest but hilarious observations, stories, quips and pictures will have you nodding your head and peeing in your pants. Or on the toilet if you're smart and read it there.

Vor nicht allzu langer Zeit konnten Sie in Ihrem Leben noch frei entscheiden: Essen gehen, Ausschlafen am Wochenende, Freunde treffen. Dann kam Ihr Kind, Ihr süßer Scheißer. Und eines schönen Tages wachen Sie auf und erkennen: Ihr Leben, Ihr ganzer Stolz ist in Wirklichkeit ein kleiner Kotzbrocken. Karen Alpert ist eine ganz normale Mutter, deren Leben mit vier Worten beschrieben werden kann: »Mami, ich hab Kacki.« Ehrlich, unverblümt und dennoch liebevoll schreibt sie, was andere Mütter denken: Die kleinen Monster nerven, wenn sie nachts schreiend aufwachen und nicht wieder schlafen wollen, aber am nächsten Tag auf dem Mittagstisch wegkippen. Sie sind nervig, wenn sie sich kurz nach einem der unzähligen Routine-Arztbesuche aus voller Kehle übergeben, und sie nerven tierisch, wenn sie auf das Kommando »Schuhe anziehen« zum zigsten Mal die Windel vollmachen. Mit bissigem Humor erzählt Karen Alpert aus dem Alltag: von der unbändigen Freude über den ersten Gang zum Töpfchen, unmöglichen Milchpumpen-Anleitungen und diesen unglaublich nervigen Scheißern.

"Crass, inappropriate, and absolutely hysterical. In other words, absolutely everything you could want in a parenting book and more." —Jill Smokler, New York Times–bestselling author Following the success of Go the F**k to Sleep, Confessions of a Scary Mommy, and Ketchup Is a Vegetable, a collection of funny, warm, and charmingly profane tales from the frontlines of parenthood by the author of the popular Baby Sideburns blog. Once upon a time you and your partner had a perfect life: dinners out, weekend mornings cuddling in bed, brunch with friends. Then you gave birth to a poop machine (or two). Now, it's all about the pediatrician, breast pumps, princess dresses, and minivans. And discovering that your pride and joy is actually a little A-hole. When your son wakes you up at 3:00 A.M. because he wants to watch Caillou, he's an a-hole. When your daughter outlines every corner of your living room with a purple crayon, she's an a-hole. When your rug rats purposely paint the kitchen ceiling with their smoothies, they're a-holes. At times like these, it's only natural to want to kill them (or yourself). But it's against the law (and there's the suicide hotline). Plus, there's that whole loving them more than anything in the whole world thing. In I Heart My Little A-Holes, Karen Alpert shares hilarious stories, lists, and deep thoughts on the joys and horrors of raising children. Accompanied by cheery illustrations and photos I Heart My Little A-Holes will make you laugh so hard you'll wish you were wearing a diaper.

The second volume in the best-selling I Just Want to Pee Alone series! Don't get us wrong, we love the men in our lives -- we do (most of the time). It's just that sometimes we would like them to go away. Not forever or anything like that. Just for an hour ... or a day ... or a weekend. We want some time to ourselves to read a good book or take a walk or do anything other than try to make a dent in the never ending mound of dirty clothes that keeps piling up on his side of the bed. We just want to be alone. All alone. Is that too much to ask? I Just Want to Be Alone is a collection of humorous essays from 37 of the most Super Cool Lady Writers you'll find on the web. Including: People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Baby Sideburns, A.K. Turner, My Husband Ate All My Ice Cream, and Bad Parenting Moments.