New Releases by Simon Haynes

First a dead body shows up on Harriet''s favourite beach. Then she discovers the whole place is going to be bulldozed for an apartment complex. She''s convinced the two are connected, but she''ll have to untangle a web of lies and corruption to reach the truth. Meanwhile, someone has decided that the best way to avoid discovery is to silence Harriet... for good!

Get the Dragon and Chips trilogy in a single, huge volume. Three novels in one! A creaky old robot shows up in a backward, medieval kingdom, promptly triggering all-out war. It''s elves versus humans, humans versus dwarves, and pretty much everyone versus the goblins. At least there are no dragons to worry about, because they''ve been boned, filleted and barbecued to the brink of extinction. Hey, it''s their own fault for being delicious. Throw in a wizard with pockets full of mysterious herbs, a volatile halfling with a hair-trigger temper and a barbarian who''d rather bed the nearest princess than wield his other mighty sword, and you have the makings of a crazed, epic trilogy. Can the robot survive this feudal insanity, or will he end up shared between the warring factions... literally? This single volume includes A Portion of Dragon and Chips, A Butt of Heads and A Pair of Nuts on the Thone. Get it now! Swearing: minorViolence: moderateSex: none/offscreen mentions

What happens when you''re worth more dead than alive? A decorated fighter pilot is lost in combat, and his death is used to inspire waves of fresh recruits. Recruits desperately needed to fight in the long-running war. Sam Willet is one such recruit, but she''s different. Different because the missing hero is her brother, and Sam has questions. Questions nobody wants asked. Questions that will probably get her killed.

Hal and Clunk answer a distress call, and they discover a fellow pilot stranded deep inside an asteroid field. Clunk is busy at the controls, dodging incoming rocks, so Hal dons a spacesuit, takes the jetbike and sets off on a heroic rescue mission. If he''d only known the trouble he was getting himself into, he wouldn''t have bothered... These comedy scifi novels are perfect for fans of Hitchhiker''s Guide to the Galaxy, Doctor Who, Space Team, Space Police, and Red Dwarf. Keywords: scific, british scifi, funny science fiction novel, science fiction action adventure humor, science fiction comedy adventure, robot books, robots and empire, Galactic Empires, hhgttg

It''s crunch time in the Old Kingdom! Our mild-mannered hero, the junky old robot, has a new ally. He''s sure they''ve met before, but he can''t quite put his finger on it. Actually, he can''t quite put his finger on anything. Heads of state are dropping like flies, thanks to a series of improbable accidents, and war clouds are rolling in. The elves are building siege engines, human kingdoms are raising their armies, and the dwarves are nursing hangovers. And even if the robot manages to pour lubricating oil on those troubled waters, he still has to find his way home! This is the third and final part of the Dragon and Chips Trilogy. Books one and two must be read first to maximise your enjoyment. All three books are also available in unabridged audio editions. Keywords: Humorous fantasy novel, book three in a trilogy, fantasy comedy book, fantasy humour, clean fantasy novels, young adult fantasy, ya comedy, parody novel, fantasy comedy novels

Remember that mild-mannered robot trapped in a medieval kingdom? He''s still there, and now he has a fresh batch of problems to deal with. First, he must lead a motley crew of adventurers on a quest to capture a baby dragon... ... and then save them from the incensed parent dragons. Next, the City Guard is desperate to find out what makes him tick... even if it means disassembly with a blunt axe. And finally, our robot hero must foil an invasion by two foreign navies and prevent five kingdoms from starting an all-out war. If only those vengeful dragons, gigantic sea serpents and a cadre of drunken dwarves weren''t determined to make his life even more difficult! A Butt of Heads is book two in the Robot vs Dragons trilogy. A Portion of Dragon and Chips is book one, and it must be read first to maximise your enjoyment. All three books are also available in unabridged audio editions. Keywords: Humorous fantasy novel, book two in a trilogy, fantasy comedy book, fantasy humour, clean fantasy novels, young adult fantasy, ya comedy, parody novel, fantasy comedy novels, naval warfare, sailing ship battles

Ken reluctantly gives up his lawn-mowing duties for a weekend of fishing, boozing and male bonding with his best mate Steve. Unfortunately, the fish aren''t biting, supplies are running low, and worst of all ... the beer just ran out. Just when things appear to be at their lowest ebb, an alien colony ship arrives in orbit, and that''s when Ken''s problems REALLY start. A free science fiction comedy short story by Simon Haynes Keywords: comedy books free in english, funny books for free, alien books free, free humor books, first encounter

Contains a dozen short stories by Simon Haynes.

Did you bring the salt? A creaky old robot shows up in a backward, medieval kingdom, promptly triggering all-out war. It''s elves versus humans, humans versus dwarves, and pretty much everyone versus the goblins. At least there are no dragons to worry about, because they''ve been boned, filleted and barbecued to the brink of extinction. Hey, it''s their own fault for being delicious. Throw in a wizard with pockets full of mysterious herbs, a volatile halfling with a hair-trigger temper and a barbarian who''d rather bed the nearest princess than wield his other mighty sword, and you have the makings of a crazed, epic trilogy. Can the robot survive this feudal insanity, or will he end up shared between the warring factions... literally? This is the first novel in a humorous fantasy trilogy. Each book continues plot lines and character arcs from the previous title, with everything wrapping up in book three. They''re not stand-alones! Also available: an omnibus edition containing all three titles, and an audiobook edition of the whole trilogy. Keywords: Humorous fantasy novel, book one in a trilogy, fantasy comedy book, fantasy humour, clean fantasy novels, young adult fantasy, ya comedy, parody novel, fantasy comedy novels, medieval humour, wizard humor, robot books

Do any of these sound familiar? - You want to write your first novel ... ... but you don''t know how to begin. - You''ve started writing several novels ... ... but you never finish them. - You''ve written a novel or two, ... ... but you want to publish more often. If you answered yes to any of the above, this book might just be what you''re looking for I''m Simon Haynes, and I''ve been writing and publishing novels and short fiction for almost twenty years. This guide contains everything I''ve learned about writing a novel, both as an indie and as a trade-published author. Maybe you want to write a novel which has been on your mind for years. You don''t care how long it takes, you just want to see it through to the end. Or maybe you see yourself as a career novelist - there''s a real challenge - and you want to write books quickly and efficiently. I''ve done both, and I cover both approaches in How to Write a Novel.

After a cosy meal, our protagonist retires to his host''s workshop for an after-dinner drink ... and becomes the unwitting subject of an experiment. If you like a humorous mad scientist tale, you''ll love this one. A free science fiction short story by Simon Haynes. Winner of the Aurealis Award, Australia''s premier speculative fiction award.

The Peace Force has a new recruit, and she''s driving everyone crazy. From disobeying orders to handling unauthorised cases, nothing is off-limits. Worse, Harriet Walsh is forced to team up with the newbie, because the recruit''s shady past has just caught up with her. Meanwhile, a dignitary wants to complain about rogue officers working out of the station. She insists on meeting the station''s commanding officer ... and they don''t have one. All up, it''s another typical day in the Peace Force!

Hal Spacejock dons a flash suit, hypershades and a curly earpiece for a stint as a secret agent, while Clunk is invited to a ''unique business opportunity'' by a pair of his most rusted friends. Inevitably, things turn sour, and it''s all hands to the pumps as the good ship Spacejock springs leaks from stem to stern.

A house clearance job sounds like easy money, but rising floodwaters, an unstable landscape and a surprise find are going to make life very difficult for Hal and Clunk. Big Bang is book seven in the Hal Spacejock series.

A wealthy patron is sponsoring a series of art exhibitions, and Hal Spacejock has been employed to transport the valuable pieces from one venue to the next. The only question is which of them will last longest ... Hal or the artworks? Set in the distant future, where humanity spans the galaxy and robots are second-class citizens, Safe Art is the sixth novel in the Hal Spacejock series. The next, Big Bang, is also available. Also available in Hal Spacejock Omnibus Two, along with books four and six in the series. This is usually the cheapest way to pick up all three novels. Hal Spacejock novels are self-contained, with a beginning, a middle and a proper ending. They''re not sequels, they don''t end on a cliffhanger, and you could start or end your journey with any book in the series. (Some events from earlier books are referenced in later ones, so it makes sense to read them in order, but it''s not essential.) These comedy scifi novels are perfect for fans of Hitchhiker''s Guide to the Galaxy, Doctor Who, Space Team, Space Police, and Red Dwarf. Keywords: scifi humor series

Hal and Clunk have landed a nice simple job: deliver a collection of prized artworks to an exhibition. Unfortunately, their client isn''t the only person with a keep interest in art, and it''s not long before the mismatched duo are up to their necks in trouble. [from back cover].

Hal Junior uncovers a threat to the space station and everyone on board. How will he warn them? With a Secret Signal, of course Ten-year-old Hal Junior lives aboard an orbiting space station, where his mum is chief scientist, his dad cleans air filters and his best mate is Stephen ''Stinky'' Binn. Everyone in class is excited, because they''re getting a guided tour of a visiting space ship. But during the tour, Hal discovers a secret which threatens the space station and everyone on board. Unfortunately, Hal''s a bit of a troublemaker, and even if he manages to get the message out, there is absolutely no guarantee anyone will believe him. Hal Junior: The Secret Signal features mayhem and laughs, daring and intrigue ... plus Hal''s home-made space cannon This is the first book in the Hal Junior series. Book two, The Missing Case, and book three, The Gyris Mission, are also available. What they''re saying ... "The only part I didn''t like was the explanation of how food is made. I understand why Stinky''s face turned green." "This is a charming book full of wacky, innovative fun that can be read quickly and easily by readers of all ages. It''s a perfect way to encourage readers to keep reading." "A fun, easy to read story that is perfect for adventurous and imaginative young readers that like the idea of saving the day. Especially those who can identify with the kids whose hearts are in the right place, but their behavior quite often isn''t." "Hal Jr is educated by a robot, his home is a space station, his homework has just been sucked into the recycling hatch, his mother has just been promoted to head of research, and trouble is brewing." "This particular book could be enjoyed by kids 5 and older - much older. I am in my twenties and I thought that this 175 page book was a quirky, smart, and fun little riot for boys and girls of all ages." "This book is a must-read for boys who enjoy sci-fi aged 8-12 years old. I found it entertaining as a light read for myself (being a 13 year old girl) so I pretty much recommend this to everyone." "There are all sorts of fun things in the book, from morse code to a mysterious watch recovered from the junk heap, a reverse canon that shoots garbage, and even a guide on how to build Hal''s homework paper plane." "Hal is such a typical kid. He gets into more scrapes that should be possible and yet always seems to come out on top. He''s endearing and funny, exasperating and brave and earnest. Hal is quite likeable and you find yourself both cheering and groaning at his antics." "I know that the kids in my class will just love this. It doesn''t come any more highly recommended than that " "There is elements of physics, environmental science and more throughout the book, which would grab the attention of those who are science buffs, as well as those who like a good story." "I may love Hal Junior better than the adult version." "A very fun read, and the level is just right for late-early readers."

A broken-down fugitive with nothing to lose, an arms dealer hiding a deadly secret and an elderly robot set to inherit a vast fortune ... it''s a typical cargo job for freighter pilot Hal Spacejock and his offsider, Clunk.Baker''s Dough features intense rivalry, sublime double-crosses and more greed than a free buffet.

Space Station Oberon is expecting an important visitor, and everyone is on their best behaviour. But can Hal Junior stay out of trouble? [from back cover].

Strange new planets, ancient civilisations, teleporters, killer robots, super computers, jet bikes and subterfuge galore! Hal Spacejock’s cargo business is going so well he’s considering getting into passengers ... especially the beautiful and mysterious Sonya Polarov. Meanwhile, Rex Curtis runs the galaxy’s biggest freight company, and he’s sick of independent pilots stealing his cargo jobs. He’s determined to make a statement by destroying the biggest nuisance of them all: Hal Spacejock. And all he has to do is ensure Hal’s latest cargo job ends in disaster. Unaware of the threat and distracted by Sonya, Hal’s time-sensitive cargo sits aboard his ship while the deadline looms ever closer. If he doesn’t get a move on, the late fees will ruin him ... and cost him his life into the bargain. Set in the distant future, where humanity spans the galaxy and robots are second-class citizens, Second Course is the second novel in the Hal Spacejock series. This title is also available in Omnibus One, a collection of the first three Hal Spacejock novels. That''s usually a better deal than buying the books individually. Hal Spacejock novels are self-contained, with a beginning, a middle and a proper ending. They''re not sequels, they don''t end on a cliffhanger, and you could start or end your journey with any book in the series. (Some events from earlier books are referenced in later ones, so it makes sense to read them in order, but it''s not essential.) These comedy scifi novels are perfect for fans of Hitchhiker''s Guide to the Galaxy, Doctor Who, Space Team, Space Police, and Red Dwarf. Keywords: sci fi book, sci fi books, lost civilization, alien teleporter network, lost city, space books, robot books

When Ralph Swindon tinkers in his workshop, the whole world holds its breath. A 2500 word short story. Keywords: funny books free, funny books for free, free sci fi books to read and download, mad scientist, scientists and their inventions free books, scientist book free, comedy books free in english

Flat broke and stranded in a foreign country, Ralph Gardiner is nursing a beer and contemplating the wreckage of his life. He has no money, no prospects, and worst of all ... the beer is warm. When a local businessman approaches him with an intriguing offer, Ralph decides he has nothing to lose. He''s wrong. A Piece of the Action is a gripping thriller with science fiction and horror overtones. A short story set in Latin America from the author of the Hal Spacejock science fiction series. Keywords: Free science fiction story, free scifi short, free ebook, free thriller science fiction

After delays and last-minute setbacks, the first colony ship leaves planet Earth for a distant star. Join the crew as they discover all is not as it seems...

Bored with on-time deliveries? Want your valuable cargo strewn across the nearest planet? Call Hal Space jock! Partial deliveries, non-arrivals and total write-offs a specialty. An incompetent, accident-prone pilot is given one last chance to save his ship. An ageing robot is trusted with a midnight landing in a deserted field. And a desperate b...

A mysterious sealed crate, a pair of shady mercenaries with more guns than brain cells, and an amnesiac robot which may or may not be on a secret mission only interstellar ignoramus Hal Spacejock and the unflappable Clunk could turn a straightforward cargo delivery into space opera with clowns. With three simmering planets, two cocky spacemen, and one huge mess, Hal Spacejock: Just Desserts is a reading pleasure. Described as ''one of the most memorable figures in sci-fi, '' Hal Spacejock has blazed a smoking trail through bookstores across Australia. The Hal Spacejock series works on several levels straight humor, rousing adventure, and social satire, and appeals to fans of Red Dwarf, HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy, and works by Terry Pratchett, Tom Holt, and Robert Rankin.

After messing up a live fire exercise, Sam Willet is hauled before the squadron leader for punishment. Her career as a fighter pilot appears to be over before it really began. Then, without warning, the enemy launches a major attack. Against this overwhelming force, every pilot is needed... Sam included. Now is her chance to redeem herself. Now is her chance to fight back. But the enemy''s ambitions go far beyond the destruction of a second-string training base. If their bold plan succeeds, it could change the entire course of the war.